Let's talk about mommy guilt

We have all felt it...mommy guilt. It really is one of the worst feelings in the world I think. I had a huge dose of it this summer when I was put on bed rest at 25 weeks with the pregnancy of my daughter. My poor son (at that time two) had absolutely no idea why his usually semi-energetic mommy was suddenly in forever time out on the couch. He would ask me to do the simplest things like go get him a drink or help him with the potty and I had to tell him that I couldn't because I wasn't able to get up. He was so confused and distressed over the whole situation. After the birth of our daughter, if we would go out somewhere, my son would ask me, "Are you coming too mommy?" He would do this to me for months, he was so used to going places without me.

On Friday, I thought that me and the kids had a great day! We went to Starbucks for coffee and milk and shared fruit and yogurt for breakfast and then we headed to the new library so my son could get his first library card and spend some time reading and playing. I got home slightly behind schedule and started working as soon as I walked in the door.This is another area of huge mommy guilt for me, choosing to work from home. My son, in general, has adapted well to me and my decision to not give him all my attention all day long. But of course there are days when he can't understand why I can't put that track back together right at that moment or why he can't talk to me for 30 minutes because I'm making phone calls for a client...it stinks.

So, mommy guilt. Do you ever have it because you really want some time all to yourself? I think that type of mommy guilt should have it's own category. Like, Friday night, I wanted to take a bath...all by myself. I had to sneak upstairs and hope that no one knew I was missing. WRONG! I just got in the tub, stretched out, got my book when I heard, "Can I get in the bath with you?" Sheesh! How did he find me so quick?! I found myself pleading with my son to leave me alone just I can be myself. How do you effectively explain this to a three year old? He finally said, "Okay mommy, I will. I will go back down to daddy." But not before he gave me his dolphin and a boat from his bathtub. So, he did leave, but I wasn't left feeling happy about my time alone, I felt horrible! Once more, guilt ridden. I felt so bad that I asked him to leave me alone just so I could get a bath. All he wanted to do was spend time with me and play in the bathtub and I shooed him away. What's wrong with me?

Then I realized, I'm a work at home mom, that's wrong with me. I constantly surround myself with my children (by choice) so that I can work at home and I can watch them grow with me. I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting some peace and quiet to myself; all parents deserve that time! So, what I learned is what I need to learn to deal with is the feeling of guilt. It's a natural feeling and very deal-able. The problem with guilt is it's an unsettling, almost achy feeling and it's hard to shake, but as parents we need to learn to shake it. In the end, the majority of things that we feel guilty about are good for the whole family. It may not feel good initially, but it probably has good intentions behind it. For instance, my bath: 1.) I needed a few moments to myself to de-stress and wind down from the day which creates harmony in me, 2.) It gave the kids a chance to hang with daddy for a bit and 3.) I was clean again!

Now you tell me, when was the last time you felt mommy guilt?

We all have our secrets...talk to someone!

My husband jokes around with me that I'm the neighborhood spy. I have a huge window in my office and a large bay window that is right next to the sofa in our great room. I love to watch out the window and see the world below me; what neighbor talks to what neighbor, whose dog just ran away and the children romping around. But tonight I saw something that made me extremely sad.

I saw a tow truck drive down our street. It got to the end of our street, turned around at the end and slowly crept back down the street with it's head lights off. I said to my husband, "I think one of our neighbors is about to get repo'd." I in no way found enjoyment in this thought, but at the same time I couldn't stop watching. I watched this man get out of the passenger side of the truck, walk down to a neighbor's house (who I'm close to) and get into their vehicle. (Did you know that repo men can make keys to drive your car away??!! How creepy is that?) The vehicle was backed up with no headlights on and the man sped away with the tow truck speeding down the street behind him.

I turned to my husband, shocked and told him what happened. I couldn't believe it! I thought this family was so well off! They were one of the last families to purchase their house at a decent price before the housing market fell off the cliff. My husband was just as confused...how could that happen to "them"?

We have had our fair share of money problems in this house, especially when I decided to leave my job to become a stay at home mom. That was half the reason I decided to become a Virtual Assistant over the summer...to bring in more money. My husband is extremely embarrassed when we have to say "no" to an invitation because we don't have extra cash to spare. It's hard on me to; especially since I have a serious shoe and handbag addiction!

What a sad sight to see tonight...I'm still struggling with the sadness. I said to my husband, "What do we do? It's not even 10:00 pm and this family is already in bed. They have no idea what just happened. Should be we call them?" My husband looked at me and said, "Do you think they really want us to know their personal business? We should just pretend we never saw it happen."

How sad...that we have to live in a world that we have to put on a show or pretend that we aren't having money problems when we are. As horrible as it felt, I listened to my husband. When things were at their worst in our home when it came to money, I was unable to tell anyone. I was embarrassed and I still am. But I wish that I could tell my friends and family.

My hope is that we are able to bring down our walls of fear of embarrassment and open up to those around us. Too many people are losing their cars, homes and personal belongings because we are afraid to ask for help. If you are in this position, please talk to friends and families, you never know who may be able to help you!

How Do Your Present Yourself?

As I rushed my children back into the house this morning after a quick run to Starbucks I thought how silly I must look to some of my neighbors. My son in Halloween pajamas underneath his jacket and me in a green shirt, blue yoga pants and brown and orange flip-flops. The baby, the only normal dressed one of out of all of us, was in her carrier desperately trying to gnaw on my purse that is covered in sequins and boldly states, "happy hour."

I get everyone settled inside and remember that I still need to run back out to the car and grab my two Venti coffees (I'm not playing around this morning.) Still feeling silly, I grab my eye-glasses and put them on. In my mind as I open the front door and walk outside, I'm suddenly transformed into "Rebecca Buscemi, Business Owner" and no longer dirty mommy who really needs a shower.

I started thinking about how I DO present myself to others. I have only been a business owner for seven short months and learn more about myself everyday. I never knew that I had the desire and drive to do something this big in my life. Me, a business owner, wow! Sometimes, I sit back and think to myself that I'm kind of a big deal because I'm doing something great for my family that I love, doesn't stress me out (too much) and I'm helping others while doing it.

So, if I feel this way on the inside, why when I meet people and they ask me what I do for a living do I tell them that I'm a stay at home mom. Of course, this isn't a lie, I am a stay at home mom, but I'm also a work at home mom. Sometimes people ask me if I'm back at work and I'll tell them that I'm working out of the house at the moment. Which again is true, but I'm so much more than that. Very rarely am I able to say that I'm a business owner of a virtual assistance business. I'm not sure it's because I'm humble, I think it's because I'm shy.

Have you ever had this feeling as a new business owner? Are you able to tell anyone and everyone that you are proud of yourself and your success? Leave a comment and let me know!

I decided today, that whether I wear my eye glasses or not, I'm going to start to make a real effort to start to tell people who I really am. I'm Rebecca, a work at home mom who owns her own virtual assistance business, who are you?

How Work at Home Moms Play With Their Kids

As some of you know, I never meant to be a working from home mom...it just sort of happened. So, finding the delicate balance between my work, my kids, my husband and keeping a clean house, is well, a challenge to say the least. But I continue to stumble my way through it. As I'm stumbling, I am discovering some tidbits that I would like to share.

So here is my tidbit of the day:

As a working from home mom, I'm sure it is super important to you to continue to spend time with your children and to do worthwhile activities with them; I know it is for me. So, as I have said in the past, I try to outline some art and craft and various activities to do with the kids the weekend before the work week starts, that way I'm prepared.

Well, you can't always be super prepared for everything because emergencies arise with your personal life and with your clients also. Sometimes, as sad as it is, you have to drop what you are doing with your child to send a quick email or to answer a phone call.

Here are somethings to remember for moments like this:

1.) When planning activities and games to play with your children while taking a break from work, make sure they aren't long drawn out projects and games. If you have to continue to ask your child to wait a minute while you answer the phone or to complete a data entry project you are only asking for trouble. Eventually they are going to get frustrated and in turn you will most likely snap at them also. So, a suggestion to this is to plan short games that take no more than 15 minutes to play (Go Fish, Dominoes, Lucky Ducks). Remember, even CandyLand can take forever to play sometimes. Plan short art and craft projects. Most of the time, I just give my three year old a bunch of stuff and let him glue and cut. Abstract is the way to go, because there is no time limit!

2.) If you do have to take a phone call, make sure you have something on emergency stand-by that is going to appease your child for a few minutes. Helping your child learn patience is a good virtue for them to have also, so making them wait while you finish up a phone call isn't going to kill them. But make sure you stand by your word. If you tell your child after this phone call is over you will continue to play with them, then do it! I have four or five baggies filled with emergency play options that I can hand over to my child with no explanation (which helps if you are on the phone with a client and can't explain the project to them). Some examples are: a baggie containing two pipe cleaners and some large foam beads to string, two sticker sheets, some crayons and a piece of paper, some feathers, a picture of a bird printed off the computer and a glue stick!

3.) As your child gets older, long projects may be an option for you to do with your child through the day. For instance during the holidays, you may be able to create a gingerbread house with your child or make a tree skirt out of felt. The nice things about projects like this is that there are lots of small steps that you can divide up throughout the day.

4.) A picture schedule may help your child understand his/her day while you are working! An easy way to make a picture schedule for your child is to print up pictures on the computer of activities that your child may do during the day (i.e. breakfast, watch television, play a game, build with blocks, lunch) and to laminate the pictures. To laminate the pictures, use clear contact paper. Attach velcro to the back of the pictures. Now, take a large piece of poster board, label and decorate the poster board however you like. Involve your child in this part to give him ownership of the schedule. Attach an envelope to the back of the poster board to store the icons that you printed up and laminated. On the front of the schedule, attach the other side of the velcro to store the icons. Make sure you also have a picture to represent time spent with you. You want to ensure your child that you will spend time with him/her every day! A schedule is great for children to use at the youngest of age. It helps them learn so many things, such as chronological order, time management, the days of the week and other things!

"One More Minute..."

I love my job. I love being able to stay at home with my kids. But some days I wonder: are they getting the short end of the deal? How many times during the day do you utter the words, "One more minute. Just one more minute and then I'll look." I know I must say it to my son at least fifty times. Am I missing out on something or is he? I sometimes feel like I can't stop. I just need to finish this one email, this one blog, this one phone call. Sometimes I forget that he is two and I don't understand why he can't understand why he needs to wait. I wonder would it be better if he was in daycare everyday where is getting more attention then what I'm paying to him?

Then I remember that I stayed home for a reason; to raise my children. Deciding to work at home came second and it always should. A few minutes ago Zachary came in and asked me: "You wanna play catch with me?" It makes my heart melt. Especially because I remember on about three different occasions he asked me this same question this week and I gave him my magic answer: "Just one more minute." I feel so guilty because half the time when I tell him this I'm secretly hoping he forgets and will get involved with something else before asking me to play again. This doesn't make me feel like a very good mommy at all.

So I decided on a new strategy that works with my son: the timer. If he comes in and asks me to play and I'm busy, I now set the timer for five minutes and I have five minutes and that's ALL to finish what I'm working on. When he hears the timer go off he knows he has my undivided attention for the next 15 minutes. (I of course set the timer for those 15 minutes also!) I also take at least two small breaks a day just to pull him into my lap, take a deep breath to take him all in (Two year olds smell so yummmy! I do the same with my two month old also) and then give him a big hug and squeeze. They are only this little (and smell this good) for a short time, let's make sure that we as mommy's and the children that we put before work don't miss out on anything together!

Helping a Work at Home Mom!

I have been in business since July 2008 and I'm extremely pleased with business and how it is taking off! Especially since I had a baby right after I started my business in August. I currently have three clients and I am being outsourced by another Virtual Assistant. Because of this, things have been a little disruptive in my home life to say the least! Now, my husband has just received a promotion at work as a detective which means longer hours for him and in the end, longer hours for me too! I'm so used to him coming home at 3:30 pm and relieving me of my motherly duties for a little while on the days that the kids aren't in daycare, but those days are over for awhile!

So, I've been trying to do somethings that help the whole family stay sane! So here are a few of my thoughts and tricks that work for my family; will they work for yours?

1.) Take full advantage of $1 happy meal or other kid night meal nights. They are a low cost and easy! Of course it's not always the most healthy thing in the world, but a cheeseburger from Mcdonalds is not going to hurt my two year old every other week.

2.) I love food and I love to cook, but I need something that will save me time. Enter Let's Dish. There are other types of these food-preparation places all over the country, but Let's Dish is my favorite (www.letsdish.com). Anyway, let me tell you how great this place is: Let's Dish offers a fabulous menu that you can choose 4. 8 or 12 meals to make. You order your meals online and then show up and make your meals on a designated night that you choose. On that night, bring a friend and a bottle of wine! You show up, put on your cute little apron, tie your hair back and get to work! You prepare all of your meals, bag and label the food that you make. You don't cook the food there though; you bring it home and throw it in the freezer. When you are ready, you pull out a meal here and there to prepare for your family. It is some of the yummiest food (and healthy too!) Major time-saver for me!

3.) I mentioned this on a fellow Findvirtual.com's blog I think...but anyway, I'm not sure if this is the Early Childhood Educator in me or what, but every Saturday night, I get online and find ten activities that me and my son can do together throughout the week. One activity is one that he will need help with (so I have no choice but pull myself away from the computer for a bit) and the other that needs minimal assistance. Just recently I also picked out five books to read throughout the week. I try to schedule themes for him to make the week fun and educational also (okay, it is obviously the Early Childhood Educator in me!) For instance, of course, this week we did a bunch of fall activities and next week we are going to work on Shapes. Doing this helps me stay grounded as a work from home mom! Here are some of my favorite sites for looking up activities and crafts: http://www.wondertime.com, http://www.marthastewart.com/, and http://familyfun.go.com/.

4.) Last, I downloaded this really neat application on both my PC and my laptop called Cozi. You can get Cozi at Cozi.com. Cozi is a bunch of things: it's a calendar for the whole family, a family journal, a list maker and it also includes a photo collage screen saver that my son loves! Every time my screen is idle for a while, the screen saver pops up with pictures of friends and family and what's planned in the next 24 hours. It also syncs with my Outlook! The family journal feature is a huge plus for any work from home parent. I love to scrapbook, but don't have the luxury to spend my days scrapbooking because I'm working instead. The family journal gives me the opportunity to write little snip-its of my life down that I would have forgotten otherwise. I'm able to write anything from my daughter's milestones to my son's keen observation of the world around him.

Well, it's late and that's all I got for now! I wanted to share my few time saving tips. What are yours?